Old Buildings...Microphones and Maps

It's all about Neon Signs

I'm back and it feels good. Right now work time

Do what you want...I can be the drink in your cup

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A3jzMyYgPQs

This song is finding me everywhere I go...I feel it maybe in the show...I like that it's that bad it's good

Why theatre is important to me...

Here is my story which I shared in April with a London based photographer Renee De Neve who was creating a photography project 'The Lost Generation' which focused on young people 18-28 who are or were unemployed or who have difficulty finding employment in the sector they are skilled in. More information on this project here The Lost Generation. I keep re-reading my story to inspire me to keep going in my creative process as its difficult. But I feel because its so difficult that's why I need to do it...

“You can live your whole life not realizing that what you're looking for is right in front of you.” David Nicholls

Ever since my first drama lesson at secondary school in year 7 I knew I had found something special that made me feel a certain way that nothing else did. The only way I can describe is it feels a lot like falling in love. Everything just feels right even though it might not make sense and it cannot be explained in a logical way. I’m in love with Theatre, it’s my true passion and I can’t seem to escape it no matter how hard I try and believe me I have tried. I have since come to realise that I am not ‘normal person, whatever normal is and I just have to do things differently because if I try to be like everybody else I end up feeling like a square peg trying to squeeze myself into a round hole. It just doesn’t seem to fit and feels uncomfortable and I get stuck in every sense of the word. And ultimately it’s pointless.

I loved drama lessons at school; I could be and do anything I wanted, I was able express my feelings and release all of my crazy ideas on to the rest of the class. I could work with other people to create something new together and everyone was able to have an input, which is something I love doing, working with other people to create something. I remember I used to drag heavy bags all the way to school filled with lots of props and costumes, anything I could find which I thought had the potential to create an interesting performance. I think everyone else just thought I was mad. But I cared so much about making it exactly how I saw it in my head that those props were crucial. My drama teacher Mr Hadrell really encouraged me to carrying on studying drama when I left school and I always remember him being so adamant about me not letting my skills go to waste. So thanks Sir wherever you are for believing in me.

So off I went to college determined as ever to study a BTEC National Diploma in Performing Arts specialising in Drama then I took the plunge to leave the North and brave the big city of London and studied a Degree in Drama at University, then finally to do my Masters of Arts Degree in Contemporary Performance at one of the top five Drama Schools in the country. There was no doubt in my mind I knew that this is what I wanted and I had to follow my heart. However, after I left Drama School in 2007 I was determined to work in theatre in London as this was the place that felt right and it was now the place I called home. But I found the same thing kept happening. I would end up really struggling to find paid work in theatre and have to find a job elsewhere in anything I could find. I have had so many different jobs and I have worked in so many different places; bars, pubs, sports shops, call centres to name a few to pay the bills whilst I tried to work in theatre at the same time. After a while of not being able to use my passion on a regular basis I would become really unhappy as I was often bored in jobs where I felt stifled, stuck and unfulfilled. I would then feel a strong desire to leave the job and try and get paid work in theatre. This was an ongoing cycle, living in London struggling to pay for rent and food and try to enjoy my life. I struggled to get a higher wage job not because I value money but in order to use my skills to allow me to create value with my life and help others. If I didn’t have any money I would not be able to help myself let alone anyone else.

            I had made a life for myself in London as an adult and moving back to my parent’s house in Sheffield felt like failure so I needed to stay and succeed so I kept on fighting against it. Sheffield also had less paid theatre to offer than London did. I often felt that it was pointless that I studied in the first place and wasted so much money and time worrying about how, if ever was I going to be able to pay my student loans back. I mean what was the point in following my dreams, if I was unable to actually get a job in a relevant field. I was scraping by trying to survive on minimum wage and sometimes less than that when it came to theatre work, most of what is available even if you are a graduate is unpaid work experience with the hopes this will land you with either the right contacts or a paid job at the end of it. None of which actually happens in reality. Because my degree is in Drama it is often not recognised as a valuable or relevant qualification to employers outside of the Arts.  I may as well said I have a degree in how to stack shelves as that would have been more useful than drama seems to be how most employers view it. I often found I was caught in a catch 22 because when I apply for other jobs either I was told I was too qualified due to my Masters Degree or that I was not qualified enough. I felt like I couldn’t win either way. I have been told so often why don’t you train to be a Drama Teacher? You’re good with kids, it’s doing what you love and you get paid for it. What’s the problem? Well I have applied for so many teacher training courses and never actually made it on to one, the main reason is staring me right in the face I don’t actually want to be a drama teacher. Yes I love using theatre to help others grow but teaching and actually doing it is very different. I feel if I was to settle and become a full time teacher in a school as I wouldn’t have enough time or energy to pursue and fulfil my creative needs in theatre. I would be compromising what it is I really want to do. Where I would have to fit in to a certain box and accept the feeling of being stifled and stuck constantly.

I began to see my passion for being creative as my major downfall. I just wished I could be like everyone else and get on with things without the need to be a creative person and always asking questions about the world. I found it hard to accept things as they were and just get on with life like everyone else seemed to be able to do. I always want to improve things and make the world a better place by making my own stamp on the world and use my skills to create value. Sometimes I would end up getting a job in a school which was great and really valuable experience however because I couldn’t afford to work part time I would have to choose between the school and theatre. I would try to stick it out until I was too miserable and wasn’t able to actually inspired the young people I would have to leave and go back to theatre.  So it felt like have a choice to either have money and be miserable or always be struggling to pay for basic things such as food, rent and bills and work in theatre.

 I was always getting asked when I am going to accept things as they are and stick at a job. From the outside yes, it may seem crazy to quit a full time stable reasonable paid job, but for me it was like signing my agreement to the world that I accept that I would never be happy and that I have decided to settle for second best well in fact not even second best more like third or fourth. I am aware that there are people in worse positions than I am however it didn’t help shake off the feeling of settling instead of trying to improve myself and do what makes me happy. I felt like a fraud encouraging others to follow their dreams especially young people when I wasn’t doing that myself. If I am not passionate about something I really struggle to pretend to like it. I’m just no good at hiding how I really real and brushing my feelings under the carpet. So I just couldn’t settle, I have always believed and be taught to follow your dreams no matter how hard I just didn’t know how to do it.  After finding out about the SGI which is a lay Buddhist organisation based on the teachings of Nichiren Dashonin. I felt I was able to be free. It is about practising on a daily basis practising in order to become happy myself and enabling others to become happy. It gave me a tool to take responsibility for improving my own life and allowing me tap into my own true potential which has always been there I just didn’t see it. It has really helped me through difficulties that come up in every area of my life. Especially when I was well and truly stuck and had no choice to move back to Sheffield in 2009 and into my parent’s house after an truly amazing experience volunteering in South Africa I ended being coming  back and had no money, job or place to live in London so I had no choice but to move back.

I ended up working in schools again and decided to quit theatre for good and listen to everyone else and face up to reality. This made me truly depressed. I felt like everything was pointless and was deeply unhappy.  My quitting of theatre lasted about a year until I couldn’t take it any more and started to pick up the pieces and get back to the old me and forget this new miserable person. I made a vow to myself that I would never give it up again because it wasn’t worth being depressed. So no matter how hard it got I would keep going. So it was back to the on-going struggle working supply in schools to make ends meet which was great to a certain extent especially when I was able to truly inspire the students and help them develop. But this was something I enjoyed on and off not as a full time career as it did not fulfil me in the same way theatre did. I also tried to find theatre work which was even harder being based in the North. I decided enough was enough if there wasn’t a job out there for me I would create my own. In 2011 I applied to study for a course in ‘How to set up your own business’ which helped me set up a Theatre Company. I was tired and frustrated with working for free for other people in theatre and struggling to work in unfulfilling roles. So I decided I would make my own theatre performances, something I have loved doing since school. I now work in collaboration with an ensemble of theatre makers to create unique performances. Devising theatre allows me the freedom to make a show from ideas I have instead of be restricted by an existing script. All the work I create is devised from scratch so each show is unique and tailored made. I write the script as I am going along using different styles of theatre to create my vision. A major part of my work is to use alternative spaces instead of theatres, which I find exciting and interesting to me as a theatre practitioner and allows me to question the way others think and feel about the world.

When I started rehearsing for my first show I realised that everything felt right, I just knew this is right for me, no more confusions or doubts. I am now listening to my own needs not other peoples. I can now create my own shows about the things that matter to me and express my thoughts and feeling about the world. I am free to be myself and follow my heart. I can see a lot of my younger self in my current work as Artistic Director of (For) As Long As Love Lasts Theatre Company I still bring massive bags into rehearsal filled to the brim with anything that I find inspiring or exciting. I am really enjoying creating my own job even though it took me a long time to figure this out this is the right path for me to follow. Without studying at University and Drama School I would not be able to have the confidence and knowledge to create the kind of work I want to. So I guess it was all worth it. Yes it is great to work for myself. However, being my own boss has not come without its challenges. I am still working full time in a school in order to pay the bills, as so far I am yet to make money from my theatre performances. The hard work I put in is worth it in my theatre work because it makes me happy. Getting any job to get by is just hard work.

I am keen to create value through my work and make a difference to society so I also create and deliver tailored made workshops to educational and community organisations as well as my performances. I eventually want to bRenee De Neve Photographere working full time for my company but this is still work in progress. I know what a difference ignoring my feelings and passions makes to my life on a fundamental level. I have tried giving up theatre but I think what’s the point giving up something and being miserable for the rest of my life! Yes it isn't going to be easy but I am happy to put the effort as it’s worth it. I am certain that I will never give up theatre. I guess I was always trying to run away from who I really was. I have come to realise that only I am able to think my thoughts and create my ideas and that to try and be someone else would never ever work. It has been a long lesson but I am glad it’s one I took the time to learn.

I love this photo

Thoughts from inside my head...

A phone is on stage...its ringing...its for you..why don't you answer it... it turns out its important... its the news you've been dreading...your right in the middle of the show....how can you leave with so long too go?

Good ideas, shit ideas, the not so original ideas, the persistent ideas, the ones you wish would go away but will not leave you in peace until you use them! Sometimes the best ideas are the ones that you think will be the worst! What's next? Who knows...rehearsal time is really needed but I'm avoiding it for some reason...So here is the kind of phone I am thinking of...

Balloons

Feeling very emotional and inspired today after a great day of working with two of my favourite groups. Starting practical rehearsal next Thursday...Super scared but excited...more to follow have to dash... I love this photo from an old BEfestival poster....